[Editor's note: The following was first e-mailed to HCR subscribers following the Land of Blahs show on March 23, 1999. The show, at the Kansas Expocentre in Topeka, is an annual spoof of Kansas government and politicians, staged by lobbyists and legislators. Proceeds from this year's show were donated to the Salvation Army and the Capper Foundation.]

Once again, impresario Jim Maag and his slightly dysfunctional band of actors and singers pulled off the Land of Blahs show Tuesday night, highlighted by torchy Sen. Barbara Lawrence, the Wichita flame; but stolen, wordlessly, by a clown.

Smiley the Clown, who the world’s largest news gathering organizations couldn’t positively identify, but who Railsters believe to be contract lobbyist George Barbee, walked off with the coveted (or maybe it is just passed-around) Hawver Award, for best performance.

Smiley refused to be interviewed by the press. But wordlessly, he wandered the stage with impressive, bereted, Monica Lewinsky vamp-alike Marci Hess, Sedgwick County’s lobbyist; and later, traipsed through the show with a sign that mocked the Preposterously Rev. Fred Phelps, reading “God Hates Gags.”

The show, as always, was neatly stitched together by Kansas Bankers Association chief Maag, who suggested this might be the last simple “Land of Blahs.” After reading of lobbyist Brad Smoot’s outsized-lobbying contract for slot machines at the Woodlands, he proposed that next year, the show might become the “Smoot Land of Blahs Charity Show.”

Maag also noted that this year, an act had to be canceled, when former State Bank Commissioner Newton Male refused to show up to serenade Senate Banking Chair Don Steffes with a rendition of “You are the wind beneath my wings,” after Steffes hounded Male out of office.

Unscheduled contributor: Freshman Rep. Ward Loyd, R-Garden City, who bought for $125 at the auction a Gov. Bill Graves-autographed “Our governor can outrun your governor” T-shirt. Of course, he didn’t have a general election, and is probably pretty flush with campaign funds...

Quickly picking up on the new bridge-naming industry aborning in Kansas, with one bridge nominated to carry the name of un-Gov. Mike Hayden, one for former State Sen. Bill Morris of Wichita, and two for former Rep. Herman Dillon of Kansas City, Maag did suggest that Bridges R Us, a Maag-Smiley franchise, had some other nameable bridges for sale...except for that narrow, one-lane bridge in Douglas County, which Maag said had already been reserved by former GOP chair and GOP gubernatorial primary election victim David Miller, of Eudora.

Let’s look over the cast for this annual event:

• Rep. David Adkins, R-Leawood: If there was a legislator built for English drawing room farce, it’s Adkins, and yes, he found the vehicle in his rendition of “Just an Unassuming Gov” lamenting the House’s, well, really, just the House in general. “Oh, I surely will not cry when the House goes sine die,” he crooned.
• Rep. Barbara Ballard, D-Lawrence: A tall, slim, crooner with attitude. Oz Lobbyist (Oh, and former Senate President) Bud Burke: not a bad voice...for this crowd.
• Contract lobbyist Tuck Duncan: Once they’re on stage, where producer Patti Lou Reed Van Slyke can’t keep them in line, Tuck takes over...and sells the songs.
• Sen. Greta Goodwin, D-Winfield: Solid performer, too short for the microphones, but you could tell, she was really beltin’ it out...
• K-NEA political boss Craig Grant: Might be the real Gov. Jesse Ventura, right down to the tights and earring. Labor roots probably how he learned to tie a handkerchief around his head.
• KCC executive David Heinemann: What? He was the one who knew the words...actually knew the words!
• Sen. Barbara Lawrence: Amazing, a 35-year-old who can play a 14-year-old on stage...and in Wonderful World of Oz sendup “Out by DeSoto” to the tune of “Somewhere, Over the Rainbow” warns “To build a home for our good witch, is really going to be a bitch...”
• Rep. Trish Lightner, R-Overland Park: Freshman, shows style, maybe skirt a little too long...
• “Mr. Aggregate” Woody Moses: No, he didn’t know the words, but often performed near Heinemann...balancing the performance...
• Rep. Pat Ranson, R-Wichita: Strong performance, but wasted most of day buttering up Hawver, believing, mistakenly, that he has anything to do with deciding who gets the Hawver award...
• Sen. Alicia Salisbury, R-Topeka: Having too much fun, always selling the songs. We think we’ve found Topeka’s own Lucille Ball...
• John Shoemaker, Dick Bond aide: Opening number...”Although you’ll find we can’t sing” probably a little strong, he can sing a little, but better actor...
• Former contract lobbyist Helen Stephens: Not lobbying this year, but still hammy...You can take the girl out of the Statehouse, but you can’t take the Blahs out of the girl...
• Patti Van Slyke, director, former Hawver winner: It’s nuance, when doing perfect knockoff of Attorney General Carla Stovall, right down to the famous diamond tennis bracelet. Has the “Stovall Flutter” down pat.
• Rep. Shari Weber, R-Herington: Chorus singer, knew fewer of the words than Heinemann, more than Moses. Looked better doing it.
• Contract lobbyist Jim Yonally: Wonder whether he’d have more luck lobbying in his Jesse Ventura aide outfit...No, never mind, he does OK now...and polled for many of the cast and audience...
• Kathy Hughes, Pianist: Brilliant fill-in arranger. Better stick with Blahs, she’s cute and good...would bankrupt a bordello, because with her at the piano, nobody’d ever go upstairs...

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