[Editor's note: The following was first e-mailed to HCR subscribers following the Land of Blahs show on March 16, 2000. The show, at the Kansas Expocentre in Topeka, is an annual spoof of Kansas government and politicians, staged by lobbyists and legislators. Proceeds from this year's show were donated to the Gabriel House and the Topeka Rescue Mission.]

The Land of Blahs Charity Show, the show which confidently and sometimes even harmoniously lambastes legislators, lobbyists, state officials--everyone whose nose most people are too smart to tweak--closed Thursday, after a run a little more than half as long as "Cats."

Writer-producer, balding banker boy Jim Maag, who has emceed the event since its inception and still fits into the same tuxedo he wore in the previous millennium, was awarded the "coveted Hawver Award" for best performance by someone doing something that he/she could not make a living at. Previously, the award (a photograph of Martin Hawver at the rail taken years ago by David Heinemann and used as a surrogate for a real trophy) had been presented to people who could
generally sing or at least had hair to part.

Clearly, the slowness of the legislative session gave the cast a dearth of material, but House Tax Chairman Susan Wagle, R-Wichita, and Attorney General Carla Stovall, plus multimillionaire lawyers Stuart Entz and Jeff Chanay, were the No. 1 topics of the show's comedy.

Gov. Bill Graves, who as we recall didn't even make the New Year's Eve Party and generally doesn't get around much anymore, was good for a couple fewer jokes than was perennial Blahs non-participant Ed Schaub. (It was learned later that Schaub was prepared to offer technical assistance in the lyrics of the song "Mesozoic era bones" patterned after the bill introduced by Reps. Eber Phelps, David Huff, Peggy Long, Laura McClure, Ed McKechnie, Vern Osborne, and Ethel Peterson to make the Pteranodon the official state fossil. "Pteranodon tastes like what they now call chicken," Schaub was reported to have said.)

It was believed by many that Sen. Alicia Salisbury, R-Topeka, who is not seeking reelection, streaked the stage at the end of "Our Camp at Lake Edun," performed by The Skinny Dippers, an amalgam of Blahs players paying homage to Rep. Cindy Hermes' bill that would have closed down the nudist camp which is fairly close to the road southwest of Topeka. Some said Salisbury streaked, some said she didn't and some said they were afraid to look too close for fear she didn't. Hmmm...

The song "The Great Big Winners" to the tune of the Platters' "The Great Pretender" spotlighted Entz and Chanay's jackpot legal fees, including the line "Oh, yes, we're the great big winners. Yes, our firm is doing real well. Tobacco's pain is our real gain. Just how big we won't really tell..."

The backup singers were joined by House Judiciary Chairman Mike O'Neal, R-Hutchinson, who, even for a work comp lawyer, didn't show much rhythm.

House Appropriations Chair David Adkins, R-Leawood, who played, well, we guess you'd call it himself, and who wrote a bill to fine airlines who keep passengers stranded on the ground for any substantial length of time, performed his own "Crummy Airlines" song, including the refrain "I'd really like to put your tickets where the sun don't shine."

The solid performers in the show were the usuals.

The polished and slim Sen. Barbara Lawrence, R-Wichita, added padding to her thighs to mirror Hillary Clinton for "I Can't Say YO," a number in which Hillary laments that she just can't answer New Yorker's cries of "yo" with a "yo" of her own.

She teamed with Associated General Contractors' lobbyist Tom Slattery (both former Hawver winners) for the most intricate duet of the night, "Chairman, I Need This Bill."

Tuck Duncan, of Wine and Spirits Wholesalers, continued his skein of performances in which he "sold" the songs and skits, with all the right gestures, expressions and footwork.

John Shoemaker, aide to Senate President Dick Bond, played a Regis Philbin-type game show emcee and a bashful Lake Edun visitor, and even portrayed Hawver at a gubernatorial press conference (in a snappy outfit)–and was in most of the skits and songs. "Governor, what about that naked lady in your office?" he asked, portraying Hawver. Adkins, as Graves, replied: "It was nice to see Gov. Finney again."

This was the first year for contract lobbyist Sally Finney, Rep. Carol Edward Beggs, R-Salina, and Jo Cook, House Utilities Committee secretary, in the show.

George Barbee, cast this year not as Smiley the Clown, but as Smiley's fast-talking shyster lawyer negotiating a settlement from Maag to return the Hawver award to the show, probably was the fastest wordsmith on the stage, quickly converting a line starting "A woman who flies upside down..." into "Talk don't cook rice," in his negotiation for the award. Smiley's lawyer settled for two tickets to an arm-wrestling match between Wagle and Stovall.

Who else? Bud Burke, Barbara Ballard, Craig Grant, David Heinemann, Trish Lightner, Woody Moses, Pat Ranson, Patti Van Slyke, Shari Weber and Jim Yonally all belted out songs, flew in formation and delivered the goods.

And the performer who actually made the show possible for these years, pianist Kathy Hughes, played hurt this year, nursing a foot injury and using crutches to move about, but never missed a note and was able to actually slow down songs when the performers weren't keeping up. Amazing.

Proceeds from the show were presented by Senate President Dick Bond and House Speaker Robin Jennison to the Gabriel House, a residence for unwed mothers, and the Topeka Rescue Mission.

It's been a great ride, Jim.

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Last modified: March 20, 2000